As if that will help…

I hurt you

You hurt back

We hurt each other

As if that will help

—-

It all seems so pointless

Laying awake at night

Pleading with the darkness

Asking God Why

—-

Why so much pain

Why so much pride

Why so much hurt

—

Why do you hurt me

Why do I hurt you

Why do they hurt each other

—

Just want to make it stop

Find a reason for this

Some way to pull aside the confusion

That curtain hangs heavy

—

As if that will help

—

Can’t you see…how foolish this all is

Why do we cling to these

hurts, pains, pride

As if that will help

—

We hurt more than He ever intended

Cling to our pain and hurt

As if it will save us

As if that would help

—

What if it wasn’t supposed to be this way…

What if there was more than this…

Walking forward…

To scared to walk forward
To determined, can’t wait behind
To unsure to step forward
To strong, can’t stay inside
Stepping out
Vulnerable
Walking forward
And breathing, “God be with me, I need you.”

She scrambled down the rocky path, glancing apprehensively behind her. There was no one yet, but the sun was just coming up behind the large white house, and it wouldn’t take long for the people to rise. But, no matter, for a few blissful moments, she had the shoreline to herself. It was one of those mornings that God must take special care in desiging just to touch the souls of certain people who can be stunned by the beauty of the simpler things in life. The sun rested in the valleys of the undulating wrinkles of the waves as they drifted in and bounced off the sandy shoreline. She breathed deeply of the morning air, the salty spray, and the warmth of the sandy shoreline. As she neared the water, she let her bruised toes nestle into the plush sand and drew in another deep breath. Her paradise was hers alone during these hours. Nobody else had ever discovered the beauty here at this time of day. Later they would come with their little baskets full of unhealthy crumbs, their bottles of lotions and creams to ward off the sun, their loud, but lazy voices and their bare bodies and destroy the tranquility of the place. But for now, it was paradise to the girl who danced there. She dipped her little white feet in the water, and smiled as the coolness sent a shiver up her spine. Her white cotton summer dress blew a little in the breeze. She glanced out at the blazing horizon where the sun was finishing it’s masterpiece in the sky with a final heated profusion of light spilling out all along the horizon and beyond.  The girl closed her eyes, breathed in the beauty, and quietly turned to go.  That was what she had come for.

Pain Alley

She walked down the alleyway, alone.  It was so dark and damp.  She loathed the cold walls that bumped her shoulders.  She shuddered as her footsteps fell into one puddle after another.  The constant, nauseous sound of the rain trickling down the moldy bricks and draining into the cracked cobblestones seemed to come from within her.

–

Her head ached…her shoulders hurt…her hands were numb where she clutched the little bag she had brought with her.  She wretched and sagged up against the wall, the mold on the bricks clung to her skin and her face.  Tears soundlessly ran down her face.  All alone, she sank to her knees.  “I can’t do this anymore…I don’t want to do this anymore…I want to go far, far away, and never wake up again, ever.”  The tears continued their soundless travel down her face.  She felt so, so, so alone.

–

Then He was there…she couldn’t feel Him, she couldn’t see Him, and there was no evidence of His being there, but she knew and believed.  She needed something to hold on to.  And she trusted Him…  Only now, it was so dark, and the pain and confusion so constant, it was so hard to think, to realize, to believe.  Darkness… Jesus, bring the light.

–

She drifted away into dreamland, and she saw it all…

–

There He was, his face so kind and gentle…His touch so soothing.  He put His callused hand on her forehead, and the ache melted away.  The light show from him…and crept up the walls; from his feet the glow curled forth causing the darkness to fall back on itself.  The mold steamed up in a vapor that caused the glow from him to form an ever widening arch around him.  He gently touched her face with His hands “You are beautiful.”  His hands brushed away the mold stains, and gently touched where the tears had slid down her flushed cheeks.  For the first time, in so long, she let herself relax.  As her head slid back against the wall, he picked up her little, aching body, and cradled her close to his heart.  Finally she rested, safe in the arms of her Lord.   She breathed in two very deep breaths that for the first time didn’t hurt.

–

It seemed like only a moment and then he was gently setting her back down.  She cried out and clung to him.  “Please, please, don’t leave me!”  He smiled his gentle, loving smile, and said, “My precious daughter…I will never leave you, but I still have work for you to do.  Carry on, my little princess.  I’m coming to take you home, I promise.  Carry on, till I return.”

–

And the dream evaporated away into the dark night air, and she struggled to rise.  The pain was still there, and the confusion was still there, but the image of his gentle face and soft words to “Carry on” remained with her.  With the kind of courage that only arises through pain, she rose to her feet, and putting one foot in front of the other, slowly made her way forward into the dark night.  Perhaps there was a bright morning waiting; perhaps there wasn’t.  But she would carry on – her King was coming for her.

You were different…

I saw you there smiling back at me

Your picture was so beautiful

But you had changed

–

You were not who I remembered

I don’t know who you are now

Do you?

–

Time and distance: they change a person

But I wasn’t ready for you to grow up

I still see your face

Your pretty smile

Your blue eyes

I miss you

Kind of expected it

But I was surprised

Could see it coming

The ache was so real

–

Couldn’t get away from it

Not even when I slept

Not that I wanted too

It was dear to me

–

Cause when this heart ached

It ached for you

When these tears fell

They fell for you

–

These dramatic sighings

From my heart to yours

I miss you

I miss you

Her soldier…

She looked in every one of the store fronts that day. Every shop window held her attention for but a moment…but she saw what was there. And it wasn’t what she wanted. She had known that when she had walked out her front door that morning. But she still had come. Because if she had spent one more day in that empty house alone, waiting for a call or a letter from her soldier….well, she didn’t want to think about that. She turned back to the shop windows. There was “Bridal Fashions” with the slightly larger than life mannequins dressed in the latest fashions. She remembered her special day, her white dress, and the look in his eyes when he’d first seen her walk down the aisle. In a way it was pleasant to dream about it.

Then she passed “Early Memories”; a little boy’s playsuit hung appealingly in the front window. An array of toys perched precariously in the opposing shop window. She smiled. Even now, she could remember her precious little one and the way he’d laughed and teased her from early childhood. She could still see his first toddling steps and hear his plaintive cry for mommy. She brushed a tear away with trembling fingers. Ah, yes, her little boy was all grown up now.

She passed another shop window, “Country Nostalgia”, and smiled at all the various country figurines, baskets, and lights. She remembered decorating their country home after they’d moved for what he’d promised to be the last time. Her little boy had entered highschool, and Daddy had been there. It had been so perfect…and she was thankful to have those precious memories.

But then had come the war, and her husband had been called back to active duty. She’d waved him off with a brave smile and a passionate final hug. She’d promised to pray…and she had. Even now, he was on her heart. She wondered if the delay in hearing from him was just the fault of the mail service, or if her soldier really had gone down serving his country. She didn’t dwell on it, but turned back to the shop windows.

All of a sudden, she couldn’t breath. She stared at the window as a little cry escaped her lips. His reflection, so handsome, so perfect smiled back at her from the glass window. She whirled around and melted into his strong embrace. Her soldier had come home.

Blessed be Your name…

She was scared to death. She’d just heard the news. She tried to breath. She tried to think. But it failed her. And all’s she could do was watch in the mirror as tears rolled down her face. She shuddered, and turned away, trying to summon up enough courage to wash the fear and sadness from her face. It didn’t work and she crumpled on her bed, burrowing her head in the pillow, and sobbing till her shoulders shook.

She rose from the bed, wiped the tears from her eyes, tucked her hair behind her ears, silently left her room, walked down the hall, and quietly out the front door. It was a short trip to the field, and she walked out into the swaying grass. She let herself sit down, the tall weeds hiding her. Then she fell back, and looked up into the huge blue sky. She let herself get lost in the majestic expanse, the clouds that lazily drifted across the sky, and the quiet rustle of the grass and the small creatures that called the field home.

And she whispered, “Blessed be Your name, oh Lord. You give and take away, but I will praise You. Through pain and through joy…I will praise you.” And she let the tears fall slowly…

Autumn’s touch…

She sat shivering on the park bench. Leaves skittered down the bricked walkway in the autumn wind. Strands of her hair whipped around her face. But she didn’t brush them back…the wind was soothing. Its blustery caress dried her tears, calmed her soul. In the overcast sky above, she saw the thoughts she was faced with. In the swirling wind, the fears and doubts that rocked her. In the damp ground, the tears that threatened to spill over. The world was a mirror of her struggle.

–

But beyond all this, she saw the explosion of fall colors on the trees. The reds, oranges, browns, and rusty hues mixed together in a flaming pallet of hope. Their brilliance spoke of each undying tree. It was as if each mighty oak and maple, aware of the wintery months ahead was proclaiming a glorious farewell. Their beauty now spoke of an undying passion as if to speak out, “Test me and try me, but I will emerge victorious again…just you wait and see. I give up my glory now to proclaim my strength. Wait for me. When spring comes, I promise; I will be there.”

–

And somehow, someway, in autumn’s proclamation, she found hope. “Test me and try me, but, by God’s grace, I will emerge victorious again…just you wait and see. I am humbled and weakened now, but only to proclaim Your strength, Oh Lord. Wait for me, everyone. When spring comes, when this is past, when tomorrow morning comes bright and fair, I promise; I will be there. For I’ve fallen into the arms of the all-powerful, and loving God.”

To dance, like no one is watching…

She stepped out from the wings.  The stage was clear.  All the props had been moved aside, or dismantled and locked away for the winter.  The dark velvet curtain had been left hanging open.  She brushed her fingertips over the soft velvety smoothness as she made her way past it.  She lightly walked across the stage.  Moonlight was beaming in from a distant window.  It shone down in it’s softness, bathing the center of the stage.  She hesitated as she neared it’s glowing sphere, then looked out into the auditorium.  It was dark; she could barely make out even the first row of seats.  Then she looked back at the moonbeam, and slowly stepped into it’s glow.  Her eyes sparkled as the moonlight caught in them.  Her face shown in it’s gentle light.  She spread her arms and twirled.  Her skirt spun out, and her arms formed a beautiful arc above her head, and for an instant, she was lost in the moment, abandoned to all but the freedom.  The freedom of being herself, of not caring what anyone else would think.  Her feet stepped lightly across the stage in the moonlight, and she danced, like no one had ever danced before; she danced like no one was watching.  It was beautiful, glorious, and free.