I saw you there smiling back at me
Your picture was so beautiful
But you had changed
–
You were not who I remembered
I don’t know who you are now
Do you?
–
Time and distance: they change a person
But I wasn’t ready for you to grow up
I still see your face
Your pretty smile
Your blue eyes
Kind of expected it
But I was surprised
Could see it coming
The ache was so real
–
Couldn’t get away from it
Not even when I slept
Not that I wanted too
It was dear to me
–
Cause when this heart ached
It ached for you
When these tears fell
They fell for you
–
These dramatic sighings
From my heart to yours
I miss you
I miss you
She looked in every one of the store fronts that day. Every shop window held her attention for but a moment…but she saw what was there. And it wasn’t what she wanted. She had known that when she had walked out her front door that morning. But she still had come. Because if she had spent one more day in that empty house alone, waiting for a call or a letter from her soldier….well, she didn’t want to think about that. She turned back to the shop windows. There was “Bridal Fashions” with the slightly larger than life mannequins dressed in the latest fashions. She remembered her special day, her white dress, and the look in his eyes when he’d first seen her walk down the aisle. In a way it was pleasant to dream about it.
Then she passed “Early Memories”; a little boy’s playsuit hung appealingly in the front window. An array of toys perched precariously in the opposing shop window. She smiled. Even now, she could remember her precious little one and the way he’d laughed and teased her from early childhood. She could still see his first toddling steps and hear his plaintive cry for mommy. She brushed a tear away with trembling fingers. Ah, yes, her little boy was all grown up now.
She passed another shop window, “Country Nostalgia”, and smiled at all the various country figurines, baskets, and lights. She remembered decorating their country home after they’d moved for what he’d promised to be the last time. Her little boy had entered highschool, and Daddy had been there. It had been so perfect…and she was thankful to have those precious memories.
But then had come the war, and her husband had been called back to active duty. She’d waved him off with a brave smile and a passionate final hug. She’d promised to pray…and she had. Even now, he was on her heart. She wondered if the delay in hearing from him was just the fault of the mail service, or if her soldier really had gone down serving his country. She didn’t dwell on it, but turned back to the shop windows.
All of a sudden, she couldn’t breath. She stared at the window as a little cry escaped her lips. His reflection, so handsome, so perfect smiled back at her from the glass window. She whirled around and melted into his strong embrace. Her soldier had come home.
She was scared to death. She’d just heard the news. She tried to breath. She tried to think. But it failed her. And all’s she could do was watch in the mirror as tears rolled down her face. She shuddered, and turned away, trying to summon up enough courage to wash the fear and sadness from her face. It didn’t work and she crumpled on her bed, burrowing her head in the pillow, and sobbing till her shoulders shook.
She rose from the bed, wiped the tears from her eyes, tucked her hair behind her ears, silently left her room, walked down the hall, and quietly out the front door. It was a short trip to the field, and she walked out into the swaying grass. She let herself sit down, the tall weeds hiding her. Then she fell back, and looked up into the huge blue sky. She let herself get lost in the majestic expanse, the clouds that lazily drifted across the sky, and the quiet rustle of the grass and the small creatures that called the field home.
And she whispered, “Blessed be Your name, oh Lord. You give and take away, but I will praise You. Through pain and through joy…I will praise you.” And she let the tears fall slowly…
She sat shivering on the park bench. Leaves skittered down the bricked walkway in the autumn wind. Strands of her hair whipped around her face. But she didn’t brush them back…the wind was soothing. Its blustery caress dried her tears, calmed her soul. In the overcast sky above, she saw the thoughts she was faced with. In the swirling wind, the fears and doubts that rocked her. In the damp ground, the tears that threatened to spill over. The world was a mirror of her struggle.
–
But beyond all this, she saw the explosion of fall colors on the trees. The reds, oranges, browns, and rusty hues mixed together in a flaming pallet of hope. Their brilliance spoke of each undying tree. It was as if each mighty oak and maple, aware of the wintery months ahead was proclaiming a glorious farewell. Their beauty now spoke of an undying passion as if to speak out, “Test me and try me, but I will emerge victorious again…just you wait and see. I give up my glory now to proclaim my strength. Wait for me. When spring comes, I promise; I will be there.”
–
And somehow, someway, in autumn’s proclamation, she found hope. “Test me and try me, but, by God’s grace, I will emerge victorious again…just you wait and see. I am humbled and weakened now, but only to proclaim Your strength, Oh Lord. Wait for me, everyone. When spring comes, when this is past, when tomorrow morning comes bright and fair, I promise; I will be there. For I’ve fallen into the arms of the all-powerful, and loving God.”
She stepped out from the wings. The stage was clear. All the props had been moved aside, or dismantled and locked away for the winter. The dark velvet curtain had been left hanging open. She brushed her fingertips over the soft velvety smoothness as she made her way past it. She lightly walked across the stage. Moonlight was beaming in from a distant window. It shone down in it’s softness, bathing the center of the stage. She hesitated as she neared it’s glowing sphere, then looked out into the auditorium. It was dark; she could barely make out even the first row of seats. Then she looked back at the moonbeam, and slowly stepped into it’s glow. Her eyes sparkled as the moonlight caught in them. Her face shown in it’s gentle light. She spread her arms and twirled. Her skirt spun out, and her arms formed a beautiful arc above her head, and for an instant, she was lost in the moment, abandoned to all but the freedom. The freedom of being herself, of not caring what anyone else would think. Her feet stepped lightly across the stage in the moonlight, and she danced, like no one had ever danced before; she danced like no one was watching. It was beautiful, glorious, and free.
I thought it was gone
I’d shown it the door
But now it’s come back
And it hurts, oh it hurts
–
I can’t stop crying
Cause if I do,
then I’ll turn to stone
I don’t want to close up
But inside of me
there’s a battle raging.
–
I must win
I must win
Oh Jesus, take my life
Each broken piece
Make something beautiful
As only You can
What are these, these tears of joy?
Why do they cascade down like rain?
Why is my heart overwhelmed?
I can’t take it in, no, I can’t take it in.
Seeking and trying. Thinking…
What is this?
Confusion swirls. Questions haunt.
And through it all there is the ribbon of pain.
I thought it was gone. Oh yes, I thought it was gone.
But no, it’s still there, winding throughout.
I wonder, will it ever be gone.
Will it ever leave me?
–
I want to break free.
Raise my hands and dance.
I want to laugh.
Carefree and happy.
Is that to be this side of heaven?
Or have I hoped for something that can never be?
–
One step in the journey.
This time I take to ponder and to think.
One step on the quest.
Tomorrow will be a new day.
What shall it bring?
Only God and tomorrow know.
–
One deep breath
One carefree smile
Yes, I’ll make it through this time too.
There will be joy.
I’ve claimed it as mine.
This pain is not my master.
I serve the God of love.
In Him I trust and hope and breath free.
Was this really happening? She brushed her loose hair back from her face. It was one of those mornings…a beautiful clear sky with enough clouds in the distance to draw the rosy hues of the sunrise into a stunning tapestry. She let out a long contented sigh. Yes, it was happening…amazing. A happy smile crept around the corners of her mouth. Her eyes sparkled. And she allowed herself to just relax and enjoy the moment.
