Her soldier…

She looked in every one of the store fronts that day. Every shop window held her attention for but a moment…but she saw what was there. And it wasn’t what she wanted. She had known that when she had walked out her front door that morning. But she still had come. Because if she had spent one more day in that empty house alone, waiting for a call or a letter from her soldier….well, she didn’t want to think about that. She turned back to the shop windows. There was “Bridal Fashions” with the slightly larger than life mannequins dressed in the latest fashions. She remembered her special day, her white dress, and the look in his eyes when he’d first seen her walk down the aisle. In a way it was pleasant to dream about it.

Then she passed “Early Memories”; a little boy’s playsuit hung appealingly in the front window. An array of toys perched precariously in the opposing shop window. She smiled. Even now, she could remember her precious little one and the way he’d laughed and teased her from early childhood. She could still see his first toddling steps and hear his plaintive cry for mommy. She brushed a tear away with trembling fingers. Ah, yes, her little boy was all grown up now.

She passed another shop window, “Country Nostalgia”, and smiled at all the various country figurines, baskets, and lights. She remembered decorating their country home after they’d moved for what he’d promised to be the last time. Her little boy had entered highschool, and Daddy had been there. It had been so perfect…and she was thankful to have those precious memories.

But then had come the war, and her husband had been called back to active duty. She’d waved him off with a brave smile and a passionate final hug. She’d promised to pray…and she had. Even now, he was on her heart. She wondered if the delay in hearing from him was just the fault of the mail service, or if her soldier really had gone down serving his country. She didn’t dwell on it, but turned back to the shop windows.

All of a sudden, she couldn’t breath. She stared at the window as a little cry escaped her lips. His reflection, so handsome, so perfect smiled back at her from the glass window. She whirled around and melted into his strong embrace. Her soldier had come home.

Blessed be Your name…

She was scared to death. She’d just heard the news. She tried to breath. She tried to think. But it failed her. And all’s she could do was watch in the mirror as tears rolled down her face. She shuddered, and turned away, trying to summon up enough courage to wash the fear and sadness from her face. It didn’t work and she crumpled on her bed, burrowing her head in the pillow, and sobbing till her shoulders shook.

She rose from the bed, wiped the tears from her eyes, tucked her hair behind her ears, silently left her room, walked down the hall, and quietly out the front door. It was a short trip to the field, and she walked out into the swaying grass. She let herself sit down, the tall weeds hiding her. Then she fell back, and looked up into the huge blue sky. She let herself get lost in the majestic expanse, the clouds that lazily drifted across the sky, and the quiet rustle of the grass and the small creatures that called the field home.

And she whispered, “Blessed be Your name, oh Lord. You give and take away, but I will praise You. Through pain and through joy…I will praise you.” And she let the tears fall slowly…

Autumn’s touch…

She sat shivering on the park bench. Leaves skittered down the bricked walkway in the autumn wind. Strands of her hair whipped around her face. But she didn’t brush them back…the wind was soothing. Its blustery caress dried her tears, calmed her soul. In the overcast sky above, she saw the thoughts she was faced with. In the swirling wind, the fears and doubts that rocked her. In the damp ground, the tears that threatened to spill over. The world was a mirror of her struggle.

–

But beyond all this, she saw the explosion of fall colors on the trees. The reds, oranges, browns, and rusty hues mixed together in a flaming pallet of hope. Their brilliance spoke of each undying tree. It was as if each mighty oak and maple, aware of the wintery months ahead was proclaiming a glorious farewell. Their beauty now spoke of an undying passion as if to speak out, “Test me and try me, but I will emerge victorious again…just you wait and see. I give up my glory now to proclaim my strength. Wait for me. When spring comes, I promise; I will be there.”

–

And somehow, someway, in autumn’s proclamation, she found hope. “Test me and try me, but, by God’s grace, I will emerge victorious again…just you wait and see. I am humbled and weakened now, but only to proclaim Your strength, Oh Lord. Wait for me, everyone. When spring comes, when this is past, when tomorrow morning comes bright and fair, I promise; I will be there. For I’ve fallen into the arms of the all-powerful, and loving God.”

To dance, like no one is watching…

She stepped out from the wings.  The stage was clear.  All the props had been moved aside, or dismantled and locked away for the winter.  The dark velvet curtain had been left hanging open.  She brushed her fingertips over the soft velvety smoothness as she made her way past it.  She lightly walked across the stage.  Moonlight was beaming in from a distant window.  It shone down in it’s softness, bathing the center of the stage.  She hesitated as she neared it’s glowing sphere, then looked out into the auditorium.  It was dark; she could barely make out even the first row of seats.  Then she looked back at the moonbeam, and slowly stepped into it’s glow.  Her eyes sparkled as the moonlight caught in them.  Her face shown in it’s gentle light.  She spread her arms and twirled.  Her skirt spun out, and her arms formed a beautiful arc above her head, and for an instant, she was lost in the moment, abandoned to all but the freedom.  The freedom of being herself, of not caring what anyone else would think.  Her feet stepped lightly across the stage in the moonlight, and she danced, like no one had ever danced before; she danced like no one was watching.  It was beautiful, glorious, and free.

Inside a battle rages

I thought it was gone

I’d shown it the door

But now it’s come back

And it hurts, oh it hurts

–

I can’t stop crying

Cause if I do,

then I’ll turn to stone

I don’t want to close up

But inside of me

there’s a battle raging.

–

I must win

I must win

Oh Jesus, take my life

Each broken piece

Make something beautiful

As only You can

I can’t take it in…

What are these, these tears of joy?

Why do they cascade down like rain?

Why is my heart overwhelmed?

I can’t take it in, no, I can’t take it in.

One step on the quest…

Seeking and trying. Thinking…

What is this?

Confusion swirls. Questions haunt.

And through it all there is the ribbon of pain.

I thought it was gone. Oh yes, I thought it was gone.

But no, it’s still there, winding throughout.

I wonder, will it ever be gone.

Will it ever leave me?

–

I want to break free.

Raise my hands and dance.

I want to laugh.

Carefree and happy.

Is that to be this side of heaven?

Or have I hoped for something that can never be?

–

One step in the journey.

This time I take to ponder and to think.

One step on the quest.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

What shall it bring?

Only God and tomorrow know.

–

One deep breath

One carefree smile

Yes, I’ll make it through this time too.

There will be joy.

I’ve claimed it as mine.

This pain is not my master.

I serve the God of love.

In Him I trust and hope and breath free.

Uncharted waters…

The tiny boat rocked gently in the current.  It was tiny, yes very tiny.  There was just enough room for her and her little bag next the sloped sides.  The current caught her again, and as the tiny craft began to pick up speed, she wondered just for the briefest of moments, why she’d set out on this journey.  Out loud, above the rising roar of the river uphead, she asked, “What was I thinking?”  Ah, yes, she knew what she’d been thinking.  The Captain had said this was the trip He wanted her to take.  She had questioned, but not really gotten answers.  Well, the Captain had told her that this trip was for her good.  Yes, He had said that.  Now, she had believed Him, and still believed Him, but sometimes, yes sometimes, when the waves splashed high, when her boat spun, when the storm clouds rolled in over the foaming whitecaps, then, she would question and wonder.

–

If the Captain had merely sent her on a mission down a river she’d been before, that would have been one thing.  At least she would have known what to expect.  Where to find rest, what bumps to steer clear of.  That would have been easy.  Or if that was too easy, the Captain could have sent her down a river that at least someone else had been down before.  Then she could have gotten information about the difficulties up ahead.  But no, the Captain had bypassed all the known routes, all the places others had been before.  No, for her, He chose the uncharted waters.

–

Uncharted waters…oh, those words rang with mystery and suspense.  She felt herself rise to the challenge.  Yes, with the Captain’s guidance and help she would go on this adventure.  She’d navigate these uncharted waters, and live to tell the tale.  And then the water’s would rise and the spray would sting her eyes, and times would get difficult.  She would shrink back.  But, and she promised herself, that no matter what difficulties lay up ahead in the unexplored waters, the Captain was with her.  He had chosen this trip for her, and He had promised…yes, He’d promised, that it would be for her good.  Maybe not in the way she’d imagined, maybe in the way she hoped, but, it would be for her good.  And she rested in that.

Somewhere…there was a perfect time and place

Somewhere there was the perfect time and place.  She convinced herself of that.  Clung to it.  Watched that thought threaten to slip through her fingers and fall like so many drops of water.  She was ashamed of herself for holding onto that dream.  Scolded herself for it, but when the morning sun rose, the hope would rise inside her right along with the golden glory.  All day she would fight with that hope, push it down, allow it to rise, tear it to pieces, patch it back together.  But in the evening when the sun set and the coolness settled over the land, that hope still haunted her.  Yes, there was a perfect time and place, had to be.

–

It took her much time and prayer before she realized that what she sought was possible.  Yes, there was a perfect time and place, only it wasn’t with whom she’d expected.  No, it wasn’t what she’d expected…it was far better.

–

Everyday, she took long walks through the fields and woodlands.  Why?  Was it the glories of nature that accosted her whenever she escaped from all the busyness of domestic life?  Maybe.  Was it the tawny deer, the newly mown hay, or the free cries of the little birds?  Maybe.  But if you’d asked her, and if she’d answered you truthfully, she’d have told you, she went in search of something far more glorious than the amazement and wonder nestled in the grass and trees of the countryside.

–

She’d have told you – She went in search of an encounter with the King of her heart, the God of creation, her best friend, confident, protector, defender, and wise counselor.  If she’d been truthful and open, she’d have spilled the intimacy she shared with her Savior, of His sweet and precious love, of His seeking her and her meeting Him.  Ahh…yes, if she’d been truthful, she’d have told you.  But, she was a quiet girl, concealed all these things in her heart, like the Mary of so long ago and waited.  She realized the fragility of something this precious.  Realized her own passions and willfulness could destroy all of it in a moment.  So she hid these thoughts from the world.

Fear…that vanquished horror

Fear…that awful phantom

Wrapping its cool fingers tightly around my heart

Taking me captive

Attacking my mind

Till it’s laughter echoes from inside my very being

–

But fear can’t stand long before the King of Kings

Slowly, the battle begins

One cruel finger unwillingly untangles itself

Followed by another

And another

–

Ah, sweet freedom, sweet, sweet, freedom

But fear hovers in the background

Watching for a week moment

Haunting in the shadows

Ever quick to jump on helpless prey

–

But freedom, once felt, will not be relinquished so carelessly again

No, the fight has begun

The battle will wax and wain

And God, working in my life, will be the Victor